Day 43: A Day At The Office

Going to the unemployment office today for one of their "career counselling" sessions was like going on a blind date with a carnie. You know you shouldn't be there, and you know it won't end well. But you sit through it anyway. And then the carnie tries to gum you. Should I go into further detail? Yup, I should. First, I really need to apologize to my roommate and my best friend who warned me right from the beginning. Yes, you were right, I was wrong. Thanks for trying to save me, but there is nothing like a good gumming to fix a non-believer.

I went to an information session for extended employment and training benefits, a program developed by the federal government in 2009 to get Canadians back to work via retraining. I was sent a letter inviting me, never being on unemployment before and obviously in a transitional point career-wise. I'm going to tell you right now, it sounds like candy, but it's really an extermination process. The philippino dude was taken out first. She attacked him like a drunken rabid ferret (dot com, that domain is for sale, according to my cousin). Hey, you don't want smart brown dudes running around, that would be against Albertan white supremist culture. The highly trained 40-something dude was next. He had a bad back, not good for her Home Depot recruitment efforts. She took him out harshly, can't even describe it, there was blood coming out of his ears. Then it was my turn, I felt like she was going to strap me to a chair and apply electricity (that's how you deal with people who get fired in Alberta, I guess) "I don't care what came in the mail for you, your not eligible for anything. You've got enough education. Go across the street and try Home Depot. Otherwise, you can get welfare at the end of your unemployment period for $563 a month for a single person.". What made her think I was single? Screw her. I can get a boyfriend. I can get married if I wanted to. BUT IT'S NOT 1950. I DON'T HAVE TO, even in Alberta. And just because someone is brown, it doesn't mean they don't speak English. It just means they are not your white supremist cousin. Trust me, it's better that way, less inbreeding = less gypsy skirts and haircuts using pinking sheers from a scrapbooking kit.

So, basically, her point was, the government is a pointless beaureaucratic mess, there's only an endless supply of funds going into the pockets of useless idiots like employment counsellors, and we should all work at Home Depot so the next time there is a war, the government has ready and willing participants who will work for food. And if we have the slightest accent, eastern Canada (newfies, Ontarians, and Quebecers are all foreigners, too) or Asian, we should go back home to our own country. Geography was not a prerequisite for the Albertan high school diploma, I'm quite sure of that.

I want a government job. I want to destroy people's dreams and hopes by telling them they have to go into debt and eat out of a dumpster. I want to hold information sessions to be able to tell people they're too stupid to counsel within the first 5 minutes and shatter any will to live. Or the ability to maintain a good head of hair. Do all government employees have bad hair? Is it mandatory to look like a Phylis Diller or Nick Nolte to work for the government? These "career counsellors" remind me exactly of my guidance counsellor in high school. And then you wonder why people are dying of drug overdose, ending up in jail for drug trafficking, or any other illegal idea I can't think of at the moment. It's all very tempting...as long as I don't end up with that hair...