Day 25: The Diet

Yes. The Diet. When 15 hours a week of working out at the gym just isn't enough. I want to kill the person who came up with the idea of calorie counting. Was it the Kellogg dude? So now I have to count calories AND get my colon cleansed? But he's already dead or they've cryogenically frozen his head so I might just have to kill his offspring instead. Anyone know which drug rehab the new Kellogg generation is staying at? KIDDING, I'm not going to kill anyone. I'm sure rich and/or famous people are perfectly capable of doing that to themselves. There's enough cocaine and eating disorders for everyone.

I wonder what types of ads are going on my blog today (kill, kill, kill...ninja assassin...)? CDs on how to become a ninja assassin while you sleep. I'd buy it. Then get unemployment to pay for it as "retraining". Try to casually put that one in a cover letter, too. "To Whom it May Concern, I am a trained ninja assassin and look forward to meeting with you regarding the position of... Customer Service Specialist."

What depresses me the most about the whole calorie counting thing is the fact that beer, cheese, bacon, and peanut butter all have calories. What's the point of living if you can't go to a buffet and have 100 slices of bacon for breakfast? Lunch? And dinner? Then there's good and bad calories. Good and bad cholesterol. But I have to say, aren't good and bad subjective terms? I think bacon is good, why can't it be good calories? I enjoyed every calorie, I would consider them good calories. As for cholesterol, should your doctor really be that concerned about your cholesterol when your going in to get your leg removed? Did bad cholesterol really have anything to do with your car accident? And has anyone read the side effects for these pills that doctors dispense like Pez? My mom did when her liver, heart, and lungs started shutting down. Good catch, mom. "You have a 5% less chance of dying of a heart attack but now you have to be placed on this breathing machine for the rest of your life and come in for dialysis every week." Nah. She's better now, off the breathing machine. And on steroids. That's a whole other blog, "My Mom on Steroids".

So basically, beer, cheese, bacon, and peanut butter all have "bad" calories and "bad" cholesterol according to the scientific community. Now take a look at the scientific community. I see alot of bad hair, skin, and teeth. I even had a dentist once that could bring down entire armies with one breath. So if I start cutting my chicken or fish in half, add fiber to my rice, eat my salad without dressing (or worse, without bacon and cheese!), spend precious time out of my busy day of busy meetings and other busy things that all unemployed people are busy with to make a spreadsheet of calorie counting torture? Then I too, can look like I'm 65 instead of 35 and breath fire on innocent people? Screw you, Kellogg. I'm now going to find myself a job that pays me in cheese and will help me keep my "Buddha belly" because it's soft and it's pretty. You, on the other hand Mr. Kellogg, I don't think you were so pretty.