Stalker that is. You never forget your first stalker. It began so innocently. I was 16. He was 40. We were in love. And then I woke up. In the morning. With the worst hangover ever. After that, he called me twice a year for the next 18 years. I answered the last time he called. And then he mysteriously died. I'll never forget him. And his death had NOTHING to do with me. It's a tough world out there for stalkers, my heart goes out to them. After that, it was a yellow cab driver and later some Italian dude. THEY didn't die. Although I haven't heard from the yellow cab driver in a while. He was intending on a pilgrimage to Madrid... I hope he had a safe train ride. I couldn't go, I was working at the time and I really wasn't into the vests like he was. I don't find them to be a real fashion statement like he did, even if Madrid is one of the fashion capitals of the world. And the backpack was too heavy. I didn't understand why I couldn't pack my own.
My latest stalker really really freaks me out. A gray-haired woman in a blue truck. She could have been a man, but the middle finger was too slender in my opinion. There were no other gender indicators. Anyways, she lives on the west side of 101 street 2 blocks north of Whyte. This is more of a mental note for me so I can take my neighbors on tours of all the crazy stalkers in our beautiful capital city. I could make it into a business. Because really, I know ALL the crazies. They love me. They watch me through my windows at night and then when I go on vacation, they break in to my apartment and squat in my living room. The hobo milkshake (lard and protein powder) was a peach to get out of the carpets. I appreciate the fact they didn't want to use my fridge and really put me out. Or use my toilet paper and proceed to flush their boxers down the crapper. Thanks! It gave me the chance to get to know the toilets of the city a little better. Hey, I can do a stalker AND a crapper tour. I'm going to go run that by the unemployment office today and see if I can get a grant. Or how about conducting classes on how to avoid being T-boned by your stalker and their blue truck in Edmonton? That's a viable business. Nobody drives anything smaller than an F150 truck here or looks out their windshield unless they need to chase down and ram someone. Those little things on the sides of the truck? They're just for holding the block heater cord. Wouldn't want to look out one of those and see that, "Oh, sweet girl, she's just patiently waiting and letting me out of my driveway. I don't need to hunt her down and try to kill her with my vehicle.".
Just in case someone already has that idea, I'm going to check the job postings this morning.
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