Day 23: The Budget

Never is there a better time to budget then when your unemployed. I guess. Normally I wouldn’t care, except that the $37 in my bank account may not go very far this week. Really, I’ve survived on $37 before….in Mexico. It's just, if you add $37 to my debt, I actually have -$4963 in my bank account. On top of it, I broke my rule of only opening up mail on the first of every month. I foolishly thought one of the envelopes contained an unemployment check. Hahahahaha. Boy was I wrong. Just bills. Bills I pay 2 months late on a good month. So I taped all the envelopes shut again and I'll reopen them on March 1.

This no money thing may become a problem in a few months so I'm preparing. I've switched to Beer beer (I've also reduced my alcohol intake as I had a dream last night I had liver failure. I think my organs might be screaming for help). I'm cutting down on my $500 a month lingerie bill(You haven't a clue, guys. $500 only gets us the basics. And buying bras and undies in Walmart is like buying condoms in Walmart, things aren’t so comfortable and fitting coming out of a family size-box of one-size-fits-all made in China, the land of no breasts and modest male endowment. So yes, pay for the drinks, we've likely already spent $200 before even leaving the house). I stopped paying my speeding fines (really Hinton, FU). I'm going to avoid areas of the city with traffic circles to save on gas (it really shouldn't take me an hour to go get a cup of coffee). I'm going to reconsider the full body tattoo (at least until a later date). I'm going to learn to sew buttons back on to my clothes when they pop off instead of throwing them out. Omigod. This one is huge - I'm going to cook. I just don't know what. That's going to take so much effort but what a bonus, this will also be the perfect dating service. Fire trucks are sure to show up at my apartment almost daily.

I think that's enough budgeting for today. I don't want to get too carried away. Although my driving off into the sunset idea might be on hold for a little longer, I have a feeling I might be working again soon. I've recently realized that in order to get a job, you just have to lie. Lie like nothing else. Lie Lie Lie. Because really, does the computer program reading your resume care? I doubt it. Does the 20-year-old HR assistant making $10/hour know how to read? I doubt it. Do they check your resume? Sometimes. If they do, you just lie some more. But the trick is to make up such big lies that they won't even know where to start. I'll let you know how that strategy works in the job interview. Not so good at job interviews...