Day 70: In Hiding

It really sucks when you actually ace a second job interview and then you decide you don't want the job anymore. I've stuffed my cell phone into the abyss of the couch so I'm not tempted to answer it until Monday. I've decided to take a little break, you know, strip down to my underwear on this fine Friday, and just make it a long weekend. I deserve it. I think. And then start all over again on Monday. More interviews. My biggest problem, more so than rejection, is saying no to someone though. I need a script for that. So I'll be doing some writing in my underwear this weekend.

What an amazing start to a weekend, too. Ha. You all must think I'm bipolar. No, I'm just unemployed. You lose yourself sometimes. It's like bungee jumping from the side of a bridge without measuring your cord or weighing yourself first. There are ups. And then there are downs. On the up side, I never have to say to someone that I'm busy. But there is a downside to that, too. I've lost that little bit of mystery that I had before. I don't have meetings or, hell, work to go to. I don't have a company telephone strapped to my belt (I would actually keep it in my pocket; One wrong move and I was calling myself with my ass, or even worse, one of the owners. Weekends never ended well for me when I was on-call). Another great thing is that I have no need for routine. But that ends in disaster after a while, too, because male roommates never have a routine themselves. Dishes can pile up. Crazy things start living underneath the toilet seat. Dust becomes a part of life. The 5 bottles of laundry detergent that you bought 3 months ago doesn't last nearly as long as you thought it would. And things just start to smell really bad.

A major downside to all of this, however, is the money. The stability. The not-knowing what to do with your life. Groceries don't get bought. Brakes don't get fixed. And you start to doubt decisions that you made an entire year ago. Doubt is not good. The decision was made with a solid reason and goal in mind, and that doubt has wasted a little bit of my time in the past few months. I did take a little fall, but there is a light at the end of that tunnel. Possibly just a hobo with a fire cracker, but the light is there. I thought I was wasting all this time "doing nothing" but "doing nothing" has helped me make some pretty good decisions. Decisions that I am happy with, despite how painful they were to make. And finding out who I really am, which has been the hardest thing to do. You kind of have to turn back the clock a little sometimes and remember who you were before all of this started. Its people that count, not some corporation that separates us with money.

Lastly, sometimes when you move away, you think your family misses you as well. But in reality, they really don't care where you are or what you're doing as long as you're happy. I haven't seen them since January, but the only time I really got to see them last year was for 4 days here and there coming off an 8 hour cargo flight, worrying if I was going to get bumped off my flight for an extra 150lbs worth of freight (I'm big-boned) or if the plane will even fly. Or worse, worrying whether the plane stops flying altogether at the perfectly wrong moment. Flying with the boxes was alot of stress, let me tell you. People really don't miss boxes when they go down. And I really really hated that movie Castaway so don't even start. So cheers, here's to a pogie long weekend...another one...that ends when I want it to...