About 3am this morning, I figured out the trigger for my most recent break-down besides the excessive alcohol consumption and hookah night. Let me tell you, talking about feelings with someone while not drinking copious amounts of alcohol feels exactly like open-heart surgery without the anaesthetic. I'm sure of it. But sometimes the anaesthetic is the killer, and you just have to go in there raw. I did just that. But not at 3am this morning. I spent 8 hours crying about it first. Then I just let it all out. Felt kind of zen being honest about things, even though it seemed I was the only one that said anything. Now I have to find a pace somewhere in between 0 and 1 mile an hour or leave altogether. I think I'm going to try the option between 0 and 1 mile an hour. Doesn't make me happy to be left in static mode, but it definitely won't make me happy to walk away from something/someone I feel so strongly about. Now I have to see it to the bitter end. Like Edmonton. I have no choice. My mind is black and white with no gray area. I think I'm going to die here, but probably much sooner than I expected, because my heart is still open on the operating table and nothing good ever comes out of that. Unless infections are good.
So, back to the Edmonton jobhunting drawing board. What a stupid soap opera I have turned my life into, as well. I really think it's all a government conspiracy. The Russians are probably taking over right now. Or the Chinese (Re: Suncor stocks). But I won't know, because I can just sit beside my phone and computer, waiting for some good news to come out of the choices I've made. Time for a little vacation...plane ticket, anyone?
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