Yes. I think I've finally done it. I've poisoned myself with the unemployment hooch. Which is actual hooch. It appears that certain organs of mine (not naming names - LIVER...KIDNEYS) are no longer functioning at peak efficiency. Ah, well, should have known that would have eventually happened. But when those organs aren't working so well, the brain starts to hurt pretty bad, too. I mean, I'm starting to think the Russians are poisoning my bottled water (due to my latest conspiracy theory on Facebook). I run from my car for no reason (I've dumpster dived with the best of them, I'm protected in my alley and there's really nothing to run from...except from the Russians, of course...). I've been crying on and off for days. That is actually now freaking out the corner store owner because I like the incense section when I cry - Smoking Buddha's calm me.
Never thought I'd say this, but it looks like I've given up. Despair.com always seems to have something accurate to say about my life, "At some point, hanging in there just makes you look like a bigger loser". Never got the second interview for that job I wanted. Can't eat (well, not Mac and Cheese anymore anyway, and that's pretty much all that I know how to cook and can afford). Can't sleep. I'm running out of non-hobo-pirate clothes. Now I can't drink. Please don't tell me to smoke weed either, because I couldn't even handle the Hookah on Sunday night (which is molasses, by the way, I can't even handle smoking molasses...). On top of it, and I try to not talk about guys on this blog unless they've driven me to drink, but I really like this guy (yes, one guy this time) and he barely has time to give me the time of day. Which by the way, I often need to know what time of day it is. Tick...tick...tick...ahhhhhhhhhh...I really can't have clocks or watches anywhere near me and that dripping tap in my kitchen is going to get its ass whooped. It is so driving me bonkers right now. You know, I've dated enough guys, but I'm starting to realize the problem might not be them anymore.
Even my memory is going. Go ahead, ask me what day it is, I won't know. I used to memorize airline flight routes and schedules, recite the underground stops for Tokyo from heart, know every micro-brew and winery in Ontario, be able to tell you the weather for the next two years almanac-style in Kurdistan, and be able to name every part of a car just for fun. I can't do any of that anymore. I can't even tell you what day of the week today is. My brain has literally disintegrated to a pile of dust. I'm about as useful as that 12-year-old working the McDonald's.
So, what do I do now? Work for McDonald's? I mean, I'm clean out of ideas. I'll keep applying for jobs. Change my resume. Go to those stupid unemployment seminars hoping I'll get one nano-second of useful information. I even have a couple of volunteer jobs I want to apply for to keep my degree active without getting too close to the knife throwers. There's a free writing gig that is really really cool but I'm not telling what it is until I get it. And I'll continue NOT being a lesbian. But what am I doing, really? Am I crying tears of happiness into smoking Buddha's lap at the convenience store? Doesn't seem that way, does it? WHY am I here? What am I doing? And what else do I really want out of life besides a guy in a uniform?
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