Didn't realize how much stress I was under lately, how many directions I was being pulled in, and how badly I needed to just get away for a while and really think about things without a time limit on it all. I've never been good with scheduling my life, don't know why I was trying to start now. The strain of everything kind of went away shortly after landing/not crashing into Hamilton airport last week, promptly allowing me to argue with my brother and then proceed to drive to my mom's place in complete anger. Typical idiot-brother-vs-wonderfully-amazing-sister interaction. Can't live with family. Can definitely live without them.
I was never trying to run away from Edmonton, I don't know why people just assumed I was or assumed I disliked the place. In fact, I don't remember saying that I hated the place. I do remember talking about missing the connection with my family and friends in Ontario. But that's normal, is it not? I've strangely bonded with Edmonton. I can't explain it. Yes, I am somewhat of a drifter. However, Edmonton is the land of the drifters - if you open your mind a little and don't try to attach yourself to the center of a society that you were never brought up to understand, you will see them. There is a fringe out there that is so unique, so interesting, and it's my place in the world at the moment.
The only thing missing, and it's a major thing - I agree, is a job. Yup, never got the "dream" job call this week. However, that just pisses me off and makes me more determined. I WILL get what I want. I am focused now, and completely over whatever has been holding me back from being me again. It's all going to happen. I promise. And I never break a promise unless it involves cheese.
As for Toronto, not going to happen. Just driving to Toronto the other night made me realize that 1. I can't afford the roadside condo (trust me, by the time you reach Cawthra after driving 2 hours at 10km/hr, you do need the facilities - like a bed, kitchen, tv); and 2. I'd be working for $12/hr, driving an hour in from Brampton to work at a job with kids that already know how to execute you gang-style. It's a lose-lose situation working at a youth shelter there.
So, Edmonton it is. The kids there are at least 10 years behind Toronto, Vancouver, and Montreal in gang activity; you can pick out the knife at least a good minute before it reaches your organs so working in a youth shelter there is far from life threatening. Besides, I could drive to Calgary 300km away in less time than commuting around Toronto. And I could do it drunk, blind, one arm missing, and one leg wrapped around my neck. WITHOUT a car accident. It's a dream come true.
I do miss the Ontario water, the crappy European-I'm-a-complete-self-centered-a**hole driving, the weather patterns over the great lakes (my mom squeals in fear everytime there is lightening and moved right beside one of the biggest fresh water lakes in the world where lightening is guaranteed - often, sometimes she makes even even less sense than me), the huge and diverse population, the Indian bakeries, the Latino dance clubs, the German grocery stores, the Portugeuse cafes, and the feeling that you're living in the centre of the universe. However, I also miss the freedom of Alberta, and that's big for me. I'm tired of hiding behind lampposts everytime a cop drives by. Or a taxi cab. THAT one is a long story I'll have to save for later.
So, a big roadtrip ahead. Catching a ride with R. on May 26, we'll kill each other by the time we get to my apartment in Edmonton, but maybe I'll get a chance to sight-see some of the dumbest sights ever along the way. World's largest goat, maybe? It's going to be an all new start for me out west, clean slate all around, new career path, new guy-path(going to aim for one good one, don't know who, might take a while, but he's going to be hot, I'm sure of it). Things are looking up. I'll write again in about a week or so before I leave. Have a good week!
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Day 82 something something: So Long Edmonton
I just realized that I might actually miss Edmonton. I think I'm going to cry tonight before I leave. Well, I cry every night (the world disappoints me, except for David Suzuki), so nothing different there. I'm a Cancer, Cancerians do that. They cry, they weep, they shout, they scream, and then they go skydiving. I'm afraid of heights, though, skydiving is not so easy with an extreme OCD and panic disorder like mine. Neither is bungee jumping. I'm surprised I make it out of my apartment some days.
I guess I feel kind of ridiculous today. I mean, who cares about the guys? Most guys are taught to live in the moment and revolve the earth around themselves from the time they are born, but then they die alone. Very very alone. Very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very alone. Did I mention die? Yes, I think I did. DIE ALONE. Did I say bastard? No, I guess that's not necessary. The die alone part is mean enough. As for me, I might not find a guy that's caring enough or not so self-involved, and I've not got alot of friends, but the friends I do have are available to me 24 hours when I'm in "crisis" mode, Joanne-style. My roommate came and picked me up yesterday during his small window of time to himself and drove me around all day as he worked and monitored my bottle of muscle relaxers (I don't really need them, I just like taking them). The anger and disappointment soon turned to bottle counting on the side of the road. He even stopped and let me pick up a bag. That's my best friend. Even though he doesn't clean the bathroom. Ever. Well, except for the toilet bowl, there is not a chance in hell I'll touch the bowl. And I really think he should consider sit-ups, but just for my entertainment.
My other best friend in Edmonton is also border-free. His advice sucks ass at the best of times, but he's always there for me, telling me how much of a complete and utter idiot I truly am. I appreciate that. And he's not so non-idiotic himself, but I can yell and scream and swear at him all I want and all I get is the stern look and, "Listen, Joanne...". He'll go on about his growing up in Africa stories for hours after that. Then I drink a little too much and go on about my growing up in Hamilton stories. I admit it, I make stuff up. We did NOT have llamas in our backyard but he doesn't have to know that.
It's the jobs that I should be worrying about. And of course, I get all swept away with jobs I want, too. I keep forgetting that everyone has/is/will gone/going/go through the same thing at some point in their lives. You're pretty much soul-less when you're soul searching or you wouldn't be soul searching, would you? Ah, soul searching is just my way of justifying my unemployment. I guess I just need meaning and structure back in my life. I should apologize to everyone out there now for my whining and complaining. But I'm still going to feel sorry for myself for a little while longer because I get to go home and see my mom and I can get hugs for it. So long Edmonton, for now, but I'll be back when things are better for me. Coming back snail mail, expect two to six weeks for delivery.
I guess I feel kind of ridiculous today. I mean, who cares about the guys? Most guys are taught to live in the moment and revolve the earth around themselves from the time they are born, but then they die alone. Very very alone. Very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very alone. Did I mention die? Yes, I think I did. DIE ALONE. Did I say bastard? No, I guess that's not necessary. The die alone part is mean enough. As for me, I might not find a guy that's caring enough or not so self-involved, and I've not got alot of friends, but the friends I do have are available to me 24 hours when I'm in "crisis" mode, Joanne-style. My roommate came and picked me up yesterday during his small window of time to himself and drove me around all day as he worked and monitored my bottle of muscle relaxers (I don't really need them, I just like taking them). The anger and disappointment soon turned to bottle counting on the side of the road. He even stopped and let me pick up a bag. That's my best friend. Even though he doesn't clean the bathroom. Ever. Well, except for the toilet bowl, there is not a chance in hell I'll touch the bowl. And I really think he should consider sit-ups, but just for my entertainment.
My other best friend in Edmonton is also border-free. His advice sucks ass at the best of times, but he's always there for me, telling me how much of a complete and utter idiot I truly am. I appreciate that. And he's not so non-idiotic himself, but I can yell and scream and swear at him all I want and all I get is the stern look and, "Listen, Joanne...". He'll go on about his growing up in Africa stories for hours after that. Then I drink a little too much and go on about my growing up in Hamilton stories. I admit it, I make stuff up. We did NOT have llamas in our backyard but he doesn't have to know that.
It's the jobs that I should be worrying about. And of course, I get all swept away with jobs I want, too. I keep forgetting that everyone has/is/will gone/going/go through the same thing at some point in their lives. You're pretty much soul-less when you're soul searching or you wouldn't be soul searching, would you? Ah, soul searching is just my way of justifying my unemployment. I guess I just need meaning and structure back in my life. I should apologize to everyone out there now for my whining and complaining. But I'm still going to feel sorry for myself for a little while longer because I get to go home and see my mom and I can get hugs for it. So long Edmonton, for now, but I'll be back when things are better for me. Coming back snail mail, expect two to six weeks for delivery.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Day 81-???: Happy Commie Day
May 1st means alot of things to alot of people but to me, it means Commie Day because I think that's cool. Not just because I have the Commie Mints from Chicken Scratch on Whyte still in my purse, but I like the colour red. I look really good in red lace. I mean it, I really do. And it gives me a bit of comfort to my little, tiny ego knowing that there is a day sanctioned for protest that entirely revolves around my red undershirts; Giving the people who live and die for capitalism a voice via my underwear. Blablabla. Okay, that's too much now.
Truthfully, I'm depressed and trying not to think of the fact that I got STOOD UP today (and the fact I've still not got a job). I spiraled a little. I guess I can put up with alot of things that men put me through, but I CANNOT forgive being stood-up. That's the deal breaker for me right there, your dead to me after that. Cancelling last minute, you get two of those before I back over you with a stolen tractor-trailer. Not bothering to call me that the plans are off, well, I really can't say what I'll do. And I'm an idiot for letting him do that to me. So I kind of blame myself, getting attached is not something that should ever happen anyway. I'm 35 and single, I know the rules. It's war out there, you've got to keep your defenses up, I'm telling you. Men are like stormtroopers, you can hit them all with one bullet at the right angle but stay focused, even a stormtrooper can get a shot in before hitting the ground. Something...something...something...dark side. bwahaha. I've got no life.
Just giving my head a shake now. Heading to Ontario for May 3, the only excitement in my life. I find out on May 5 if I get the latest "dream" job, too. But if I don't get it, well, I'm seriously thinking of a new angle here. And an extra long vacation it is, nobody really to think about except for myself so why the hell not? Not really my piece of cake being queen of singledom again (lost my status for about a month there, but I'll get it back, sluttiness is way more fun than suicide) but it will have to do because at this point in my life, I need a job that respects me and a guy who actually cares for me. Yeah, I know, a little much to ask, I totally agree. We all have our dreams.
Truthfully, I'm depressed and trying not to think of the fact that I got STOOD UP today (and the fact I've still not got a job). I spiraled a little. I guess I can put up with alot of things that men put me through, but I CANNOT forgive being stood-up. That's the deal breaker for me right there, your dead to me after that. Cancelling last minute, you get two of those before I back over you with a stolen tractor-trailer. Not bothering to call me that the plans are off, well, I really can't say what I'll do. And I'm an idiot for letting him do that to me. So I kind of blame myself, getting attached is not something that should ever happen anyway. I'm 35 and single, I know the rules. It's war out there, you've got to keep your defenses up, I'm telling you. Men are like stormtroopers, you can hit them all with one bullet at the right angle but stay focused, even a stormtrooper can get a shot in before hitting the ground. Something...something...something...dark side. bwahaha. I've got no life.
Just giving my head a shake now. Heading to Ontario for May 3, the only excitement in my life. I find out on May 5 if I get the latest "dream" job, too. But if I don't get it, well, I'm seriously thinking of a new angle here. And an extra long vacation it is, nobody really to think about except for myself so why the hell not? Not really my piece of cake being queen of singledom again (lost my status for about a month there, but I'll get it back, sluttiness is way more fun than suicide) but it will have to do because at this point in my life, I need a job that respects me and a guy who actually cares for me. Yeah, I know, a little much to ask, I totally agree. We all have our dreams.
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