Day 34: Top Signs a Guy Isn't Into You

Trying to jobhunt here (okay, not really, but I'm going to) and I come across yet another article on "Top Signs a Guy Isn't Into You". Really? Ladies, do we even care? And even if we did, is this where we now get our dating advice? How about this, take my advice. I'm somewhat of an expert on the subject. Someone recently told me, "dating you is like watching a trainwreck. You can't pull yourself away until it's one big pile of fiery carnage." I was flattered. But I don't really know what he meant by it.

Yahoo Article Debunked "8 Signs He's Not Interested in You"

1. What Yahoo says - He Never Calls You First
He never calls you AT ALL or when he does, he's drunk, it's midnight, and he needs you to bail him out of jail.

2. What Yahoo says - He Won't Plan Ahead
Yes, he does plan ahead. He plans ahead to make sure he can avoid you.

3. Yahoo says - He Won't Come Up For a Nightcap
This never happens! But if it does, you have to assume he's gay, you've got a second head growing out of your neck, and your speaking in a strange tongue and doing that thrashy thing. But even then, he'll still come up.

4. Yahoo says - He Doesn't Ask You Questions
Guys DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS ANYWAY except, "where's your bathroom?" and "can you watch my beer for me?" and "where's your remote control?" "what do you mean you don't have cable?" The last one is kind of rhetoric.

5. Yahoo says - He Doesn't Call When He Says He Will
I think we already covered that with #1, guys don't call on purpose, anyway. Your just naive if you think he's going to call before midnight.

6. Yahoo says - He Hasn't Introduced You To His Family
He can't, they have a restraining order out against you.

7. Yahoo says - His Friends Don't Know You Exist
Yes, they do. You dated his best friend.

8. Yahoo says - He's Vague About Getting Together Again
That's over-analyzing things. You've really got too much time on your hands if your sticking around waiting by a phone.

The Real 8 Signs That He's Not Interested in You

1. He Can't Remember What You Look Like

2. He Gives You a Fake Name

3. Everytime You Go On A Date There Seems To Be Another Woman Lurking In The Shadows

4. He Said He Was Bringing The Car Around Front. That Was 4 Days Ago.

5. After You Pump His Gas, He Hands You $20 and Drives Away

6. When You Talk About A Vacation Together, He Insists On Paying Your Airline Ticket. One-Way.

7. You Have A Garage Sale Together But It's Only Your Stuff For Sale.

8. 2 Strangers Show Up At The Door Speaking Broken English And Inform You That You've Been Sold For 2 Cartons of Marlboros

Day 33: Good Morning

Mornings can be good, honestly. Saturdays mornings are usually the best mornings in my opinion. Even if you have to work on Saturdays, it's still not a normal workday. You can show up for work hungover with spaghetti hanging off your chin, but your boss won't notice or care. It's Saturday. That's at least what I thought once. I guess I may want to take a look at my old habits and redefine my Saturday mornings. I might start today by putting some pants on. But not now, let me enjoy the freedom a little bit longer.

What made this morning so good? So far today I managed to get a pickle jar open that I've been trying to open for 2 weeks and I escaped a possible major hangover. Nothing like a good binge drinking session on a Friday night to clear your head of any possible thoughts or emotions. To not have a hangover in the morning is the cherry on top. The only risk on Saturdays is leaving the apartment to discover what kind of damage you did the night before so I've consciously made an effort lately to not climb trees, buildings, or build road blocks. It's working for me so far.

Today is the day I try new things. I think I will even cook. Something. Possibly in the microwave. I'm not really good with the microwave so microwave popcorn is out of the question. Maybe do a little jobhunting in Asia. I miss the 6 day/60 hour work weeks. Nothing like staring out the window for hours on end and dating little, tiny men. Well, at least I'll get my tea eggs. And no, the TNT Mart didn't have them. They had the stinky goose and quail eggs in the cello packs, but not the tea eggs. Not knowing who she was talking to, the TNT Mart lady gave me instructions and spices on how to make the tea eggs myself. I've got the spices but pretty much forgot everything she said. Forgot to buy the eggs, too.

I see Starbucks in my near future. I think I should now use this time to go look for my pants.

Day 32: 'Tis Better to Have Loved and Lost...

"'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." No freaking way. Uh uh. Alfred Tennyson, dude, I think we need to have a talk. Think about it. But I know your dead, so take your time. Wouldn't it be bliss to have a little more honesty flowing out there? Don't you agree if someone were to tell you tomorrow, "hey, you know, nobody is really going to love you all THAT much so just have some fun, okay?" WELL, I'd be having a party! Firefighters and police departments everywhere would be having a party. BUT, there's just some little things that hold me back. Little tiny things. I fall in love with everything. Squirrels, cats, dogs, ferrets, grasshoppers. They don't love me back. My friend whom I'm house-sitting for has cats that love me when I feed them, but would eat a chunk of my flesh the minute my eyes closed. I read newspapers, I know what cats are all about. And squirrels. Love the squirrels but would they really bring me some peanuts in the dead of winter when there's nothing else? Or even a little bag of microwave popcorn? I doubt it. Ferrets and grasshoppers just stare at you like you've just stopped by from outerspace. They really have no use for you.

It's the same with job-hunting and jobs. When your job-hunting, I think it would be really nice if someone said, "we only hire brothers/sisters/daughters/sons/cats/dogs so don't bother with this one as we'll just fire you in a year to cover up the fact that Mr. Whiskers can't form a sentence" or "you know, you're really just wasting your time. just throw on a backpack and eat rice and join Greenpeace for the rest of your life because there's nothing else out there for you." I'd eat that s*** up, never having to spend 3 hours again filling out an application and saying things that should never come out of anyone's self-respecting mouth. And if you actually do end up with a job that you love, how does it feel when you get fired or laid off? Pretty crappy, hey? Like time was stolen from you. Time that we really don't have a lot of.

I don't have alot of regrets in my life because I typically deny or forget everything. The few regrets that I do have includes loving someone that didn't love me back (at least they're all happily married now, congratulations, and no, your wives are all beautiful and your children will not come out looking like a team of rats), because it's really time or a shitload of money that I won't get back. The other thing that I regret that is equally as time consuming is working at a job that I thought I loved but chewed me up and spit me out. So no Alfred, I'd prefer to have never of loved. I would be a fine oiled machine by now and know exactly where my life was taking me if I did not cry over my Rice Krispies in the mornings.

Day 31: Shooting for the Moon, Stars, and Pizza

Before I go off another deep-end here, I have to tell you that my little rants the past 2 days were somewhat in theory. I'm thankful for all of my friends and family and know how fortunate I am to have them. I didn't realize they were all actually reading this, I figured everyone would fall off after about day 10 or not even bother like my brother (? Are you out there, too?). I was basically exaggerating little perceived annoyances. I wish the stalkers weren't so real, though. The blue truck lady hunting me down and trying to run me off the road really scared me on Sunday.

A close friend of mine seemed utterly surprised when she found out I was still unemployed. I didn't tell her that I was on vacation for 2 weeks and that the rest of the time has been a huge celebration for me. The celebration of getting my life back and alleviating the dull thud in my head called stress. And just celebrating the invention of the 8-pack (you drink 2 and you still have a 6-pack left, I wish I came up with that idea). Life is good. And there is no way in hell that I'm going back to 9-5 or even shiftwork. I can't do it. I think that is for aliens and half of my friends are aliens. I need this time to shoot for the stars because I'm telling you, this might be my last chance. I feel like time is getting away from me. My only anxiety right now is having this backfire on me and end up working as a secretary or grocery store clerk. That will end me. I will get fat, bored, and have cats. Lots and lots of cats. But here's to unrealistic goals...

So yes, I'm shooting for the moon, stars, and the little pizza place on the corner. I will die trying to get something spectacular and travel to the ends of the earth to find my place in this boring world. I will eat pizza everyday. I'm in love with this part of my life, even if I don't have money for the pizza. The good times are rolling and I just have to figure it out from there. One of my epiphanies will pan out. I'm just hoping my tragedies (including another possible photo radar ticket on Whitemud Dr. last night in the construction zone before you get to the WEM. But it was worth it...) will help you guys move past some trivial moments as well. I say, what doesn't kill you will just piss you off. Now I have to go argue with one of my friends on Facebook because I really have nothing better to do. I swear to god she likes my ex-boyfriend better than me. I don't remember him going to kindergarten with her or telling her she looked great in those corduroy pants even though they made her ass look like a house. And I hate corduroy.

Day 30: The Black Hole Matter People

The dynamics are sure to change when your unemployed. The "freakier" people (I don't subscribe to social norms so I really don't know what that means) start to gravitate toward you, the more boring working stiffs gravitate away from you like your going to poison their food if you go out to dinner together (not going to poison them, but probably expect them to pick up the tab because that's what I did for them when they popped out their 3rd kid and didn't know where their next meal was coming from. I guess good condoms ARE expensive...). The people you used to work with act like you've contracted some highly contagious disease and will kill them via text message or email. Well, so it seems that way anyway. Is it because you no longer know what day it is? Is it because you constantly express your believe in an utopia-like society and have commie mints in your purse? Is it because you put peanut butter on everything including your bacon cheeseburger? It's hard to tell.

I think some people are afraid. Afraid of the unemployed person around them spiraling out of control and emitting this black hole-type phenomenon that sucks everything in around them. Then there are others that are like the matter supporting the black hole (ha, real friends, if you like your black hole being supported). I'm obviously no astro-physicist-rocket-scientist so shhhh. I just want to say I like these black hole matter people.

Ask yourself who your friends are. Who are your black hole matter people because in the end, they will be the ones that save you/make you. Facade is just that; a facade. There is no point keeping one up when your unemployed. They are useless and you likely don't have a nice car to show off, anyway. EDITED

BHMPs don't tell you to stop shooting shredded lettuce out your nose. They don't tell you to stop yelling out the car window while you profess your love for squirrels. Or traffic lights. They tell you that you look hot even when you've just stuck your head in a blender. They tell you your ass is tiny even if it no longer fits in your pants. They tell you that you can be a rocket scientist even if you can't figure out a simple grade 1 math problem. Most of all, BHMPs tell you your epiphanies and dreams are realistic and that you have every chance at that brain surgeon position. Thanks BHMPs. And my mom. I love my mom.

Day 29: The Epiphany

Thank the spell checking gods for this one. Epiphany.

So I had an Epiphany last night, before I dreamt of worm larvae in my coffee. That was gross, I'm telling you. It was all in the coffee grounds when I opened up the bag. But after the dream with the dancing firemen. Although the dancing firemen might have NOT been a dream...we'll just leave it at that. I had an epiphany somewhere between the hours of 10pm and 2am. And it was a good one. but I'm not going to tell you about it. The chances of me actually getting what I want are slim to nothing. And I'm okay with that. That's life. But the less you know, the better. Than I don't have to kill you later if I get one of those highly-classified jobs. You know, like a Russian spy. My fake Russian accent is excellent so no doubt Moscow is reading my resume right now. By the way, if you don't have a fake accent, you should get yourself one. They're very useful when you're pulled over for speeding.

I used to have epiphanies everyday. Waking up in the morning was fun, it used to involve lots of yelling, a flurry of showering activities, and then a complete blur of empty chocolate bar wrappers. But somehow by the end of the day someone managed to pop my proverbial bubble, "No, Joanne, you really can't become a Mexican national and live in a hut on the beach." Really, why the hell not? Is it so wrong? People do it all the time. Or, "No Joanne, you really need your pilot's license before becoming a fighter jet pilot." How hard can it be? Honestly... "Joanne, you need to pass a psychological evaluation before becoming a submarine captain." True. You should be mentally ill before going on a submarine for months on end...

The epiphanies began to stop about 5 years back. I had a good run overseas with one(quit my job on a decision I made overnight. I was in Taiwan within 2 weeks, fake degree in hand and teaching little kiddies English. Never thought of myself as a kid person, ever, but they're really quite entertaining at times) but my fake degree could only get me so far. I needed a real one this time. Back into the land of "We know what you did in kindergarten..." EDITED I did need a real degree so I stuck it out, gained 20lbs, and lost the will to live.

The epiphanies started again about a year ago when I was in Charleston, SC. We met this girl at the car rental agency (by the time we got the car, it was time to return it but there was a lot of politeness going on. Creepy. Very creepy...would have loved to yell FU at the top of my lungs just to to see if they gave me the electric chair for it). Anyhow, this girl, wow, certifiable, driving through the mountains in winter to New York City on a mission with her dog - she was going to write a kick-ass book and everyone is going to read it and love it. She did not know what she was going to write about or where she was going to get her next meal (Daddy, probably). But wow. I thought, I used to be certifiable like that. What happened to me?

Since Day 1 of my unemployment, it's been everyday again. At first, it was just a, "I'm going to learn to bake" (ahahahahahaha. never.). Now I wake up with chocolate in my hair every morning and I know. I'm back to being certifiable. Life is good. Pop this proverbial bubble and I'll cut you.

Day 28: You Never Forget Your First...

Stalker that is. You never forget your first stalker. It began so innocently. I was 16. He was 40. We were in love. And then I woke up. In the morning. With the worst hangover ever. After that, he called me twice a year for the next 18 years. I answered the last time he called. And then he mysteriously died. I'll never forget him. And his death had NOTHING to do with me. It's a tough world out there for stalkers, my heart goes out to them. After that, it was a yellow cab driver and later some Italian dude. THEY didn't die. Although I haven't heard from the yellow cab driver in a while. He was intending on a pilgrimage to Madrid... I hope he had a safe train ride. I couldn't go, I was working at the time and I really wasn't into the vests like he was. I don't find them to be a real fashion statement like he did, even if Madrid is one of the fashion capitals of the world. And the backpack was too heavy. I didn't understand why I couldn't pack my own.

My latest stalker really really freaks me out. A gray-haired woman in a blue truck. She could have been a man, but the middle finger was too slender in my opinion. There were no other gender indicators. Anyways, she lives on the west side of 101 street 2 blocks north of Whyte. This is more of a mental note for me so I can take my neighbors on tours of all the crazy stalkers in our beautiful capital city. I could make it into a business. Because really, I know ALL the crazies. They love me. They watch me through my windows at night and then when I go on vacation, they break in to my apartment and squat in my living room. The hobo milkshake (lard and protein powder) was a peach to get out of the carpets. I appreciate the fact they didn't want to use my fridge and really put me out. Or use my toilet paper and proceed to flush their boxers down the crapper. Thanks! It gave me the chance to get to know the toilets of the city a little better. Hey, I can do a stalker AND a crapper tour. I'm going to go run that by the unemployment office today and see if I can get a grant. Or how about conducting classes on how to avoid being T-boned by your stalker and their blue truck in Edmonton? That's a viable business. Nobody drives anything smaller than an F150 truck here or looks out their windshield unless they need to chase down and ram someone. Those little things on the sides of the truck? They're just for holding the block heater cord. Wouldn't want to look out one of those and see that, "Oh, sweet girl, she's just patiently waiting and letting me out of my driveway. I don't need to hunt her down and try to kill her with my vehicle.".

Just in case someone already has that idea, I'm going to check the job postings this morning.