I like cake. I like eating cake. Why can't we have the cake, and then eat the cake too? I don't understand. I have cake all the time, and I eat it all the time. Am I the only one that has cake and eats it? Is this some sort of freakishly difficult thing that only I can do? I guess I am THE cake-eater then. Can I put this on my resume? Will I finally get a job by putting this on my resume? "Name: Joanne, Location: Edmonton, Experience: Having cake and eating it". Yeah, I think that will work. I'll try it.
Things work out. Things will work out. I tend to over-analyze everything, starting the day off in lala land singing the scene songs for WKRP or Peewee's Playhouse but then spin out of control by early evening. It's good entertainment. Going to start selling tickets, "doors open to Insanity - Live at 5pm, only at Remedy Cafe". Ultimately, what you think and what I think and what is actual reality are all entirely different animals. It's just all a bad Britney Spears concert, nothing really syncs up. It makes for a little bit of insecurity. In fact, Jobhunting is alot like dating. Too much like dating, actually. The initial meeting is hell - "Do I smell good?" "Can I continuously form sentences in order to complete this conversation or do I have to get steaming drunk in the bathroom?" "Are my eyes diulated? Do I look high?" "Am I high? Were the cookies I ate for breakfast from the right cookie jar?". If you make it past the first meeting, the second meeting is a little better. However, your still running to the washroom to check your pupils and being somewhat concerned that your Karl Marx material didn't get the reception you were hoping for. By the third meeting, and this is the meeting we wait an eternity for, something happens that makes or breaks it for you. It's really not a good time to have alcohol on your breath on the third meeting, even though it's the time when you need that bottle in a paper bag the most. You will be judged on the third meeting without a doubt. It's the Academy Awards of your career or love life. The winners are already picked, but anything you do now will just reinforce any faint notions they already have about you. Fall down the stairs, break the chair, do whatever. They already either think your an idiot or think your a god at this point.
How does this all fit in with the cake-eating theme? I really don't know. Choose your cake carefully and avoid all the chaos? No, that's not it. The most random cake choices are the best. Stick to your usual cake choice so as to know what to expect? No, that's really bad advice, that's just boring and "I'm going to be a Walmart greeter and eat myself into a coma with Little Debbie cookies". No no no. The best advice is, eat lots of cake, and just enjoy it. In the end, we figure things out.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Monday, March 8, 2010
Day 40: Happy IWD
Okay. Employment Report in. So, today is International Women's Day, a celebration of women's achievements. Yes, I had to look that one up. Apparently March 8 has been Women's Day for a century or so, give or take a decade or five. I always thought the first Monday of March was a Wiccan celebration for spring and fertility. But International Women's Day it is. I did not know that. So when is International Men's Day? Apparently the remaining 364 days of the year are not all International Men's Days, although it seems that way. We celebrate sports almost daily that involve men puncturing spleens and incurring other internal injuries with blood spurting out various orifices. Oooooooohhhhh, so manly, you limping manly men with no teeth and a colostomy bag. Lots of pats on the backs for men in the workplace and politics as well. Women have to be ten times better than any man in order to get that same respect. Even then, women are still a novelty, a "piece of tail". The worst thing that could possibly happen to a woman is getting a hand-up through company or government initiative to even the playing field after thousands of years of inequality. A woman is downgraded to some "chick" after that. Or worse, a woman having a bad hair day, we've all seen the headlines when this happens to a female politician. Then, well, a woman is then considered a lesbian whether she is one or not. And there is nothing wrong with that, by the way. Men love it, the porno industry thrives on it. It's perfectly natural. Call us what you want, think what you want, that's what I say. I'm just waiting for the day for one of the female politicians to play that one up, men wouldn't know what to do. Turn some political debate into an excerpt from Playboy, women would have men on their knees.
The IWD theme does change from country to country. In North America, it's your boyfriend/husband's way of crawling out of the doghouse, "You know, your so pretty. I really didn't mean to sleep with your sister/mother/cousin/best friend. I was drunk, I swear, and it didn't mean anything." Any woman past the age of puberty has heard this line. And guys, remember this piece of advice forever, you can get away with almost anything if you tell us we're pretty. Just keep in mind if you sleep with our sister/mother/cousin/best friend, we're sleeping with your brother/father/cousin/best friend (all one person) at some point, too. We won't tell you when, it'll just happen when you least expect it, like the night before your wedding.
In other places around the world, it's like a celebration of women's liberation via the washing machine or some other sort of contraption that allows women to continue their work as slaves more efficiently. According to such publications like L'Osservatore Romano, the washing machine has done more for women's liberation than contraceptives and abortion. What is the Catholic church trying to tell us? They have a washing machine that prevents birth, performs abortions, and gets whites whiter than white? This IS cause for celebration!!! So happy IWD everyone, I'm going to go do my laundry now.
The IWD theme does change from country to country. In North America, it's your boyfriend/husband's way of crawling out of the doghouse, "You know, your so pretty. I really didn't mean to sleep with your sister/mother/cousin/best friend. I was drunk, I swear, and it didn't mean anything." Any woman past the age of puberty has heard this line. And guys, remember this piece of advice forever, you can get away with almost anything if you tell us we're pretty. Just keep in mind if you sleep with our sister/mother/cousin/best friend, we're sleeping with your brother/father/cousin/best friend (all one person) at some point, too. We won't tell you when, it'll just happen when you least expect it, like the night before your wedding.
In other places around the world, it's like a celebration of women's liberation via the washing machine or some other sort of contraption that allows women to continue their work as slaves more efficiently. According to such publications like L'Osservatore Romano, the washing machine has done more for women's liberation than contraceptives and abortion. What is the Catholic church trying to tell us? They have a washing machine that prevents birth, performs abortions, and gets whites whiter than white? This IS cause for celebration!!! So happy IWD everyone, I'm going to go do my laundry now.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Day 39: Let There Be Cake...
I vaguely remember being out in public last night after 2 suicide martinis and 2 pints of Warthog. I'd like to apologize now for everyone affected. First of all, I'd like to apologize to my cousin's fiance for forgetting her name (it started with a T, T is so far down the alphabet...). I'd also like to apologize to the Saturday night Remedy guys for professing my love for cake through the open window upstairs. Lastly, I'd like to apologize to the little kids in Chuck E Cheese for my vile language and booziness. In my defense however, I'm sure they've seen it all before. We don't coddle kids here. Suck it up, little Stewie! Go cry to your stepmother. Hell, it's Edmonton, I probably smelled and sounded like their mother. So maybe they liked me and the familiar stench of vodka and beer. Or was that moment of what I thought was bonding was actually the beginning of our token war? I swear the little bastards were stealing my tokens. I blame them for me walking away with only one piece of Laffy Taffy. I could be so rich on Laffy Taffy right now. Life is so not fair. What am I going to eat now? Laffy Taffy is a diet staple. In fact, their mother is probably making breakfast for them right now at 7:30pm at night. But me, I have to make my own. How is that fair? Next time, they are going DOWN. It is war.
During my binge of inappropriateness, I also managed to place a standing cake order. For some reason, I felt it was the right time in my life to have cake for breakfast every morning. "Let there be cake!" I said. I have a feeling I might gain weight. Between the standing cake order and football/hockey season, I doubt I'm going to have another date again until June anyways and then it would be just my luck to get a job in some place like Saudi Arabia. My school-girl skirt hiked up to my butt is not as appreciated over there. Oh well, their loss. ANYWAYS, I did order raw, vegan, gluten-free cheesecake***. Even when I'm drunk, I try hard to maintain the delicate booze-food balance. The more I drink, the less I eat, and then the more I can drink. It's a diet I'm thinking of selling.
Well, enjoy your stupid hockey/football out there. I'm going to bed.
***Raw, vegan, gluten-free cheesecake. Yes, there is such an animal. Go to Remedy Cafe on 109th (Edmonton). The cakes are made by Jag, who is very annoying in his diligence and intensity with his creations. AND with his stubbornness towards his friends. He will NOT take "bacon" for an answer.
During my binge of inappropriateness, I also managed to place a standing cake order. For some reason, I felt it was the right time in my life to have cake for breakfast every morning. "Let there be cake!" I said. I have a feeling I might gain weight. Between the standing cake order and football/hockey season, I doubt I'm going to have another date again until June anyways and then it would be just my luck to get a job in some place like Saudi Arabia. My school-girl skirt hiked up to my butt is not as appreciated over there. Oh well, their loss. ANYWAYS, I did order raw, vegan, gluten-free cheesecake***. Even when I'm drunk, I try hard to maintain the delicate booze-food balance. The more I drink, the less I eat, and then the more I can drink. It's a diet I'm thinking of selling.
Well, enjoy your stupid hockey/football out there. I'm going to bed.
***Raw, vegan, gluten-free cheesecake. Yes, there is such an animal. Go to Remedy Cafe on 109th (Edmonton). The cakes are made by Jag, who is very annoying in his diligence and intensity with his creations. AND with his stubbornness towards his friends. He will NOT take "bacon" for an answer.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Day 38: TGIF, TGIDHTWOFOAODFTM
Thank god it's Friday, thank god I don't have to work on Fridays or any other day for that matter.
Ah, Friday night turned into Saturday morning. Those are the best nights. So today, Saturday, I am taking the day off. No jobhunting. No bottle collecting. Just looking at the stars. Star Party tonight on Elk Island. I'll be home by sundown making martinis. I want to see bison! But apparently your not supposed to provoke them. The fact that they have to warn people means someone, at sometime, somewhere, provoked the bison and it wasn't a good scene. I would have loved to have been there, "You idiot, do it again".
+10C and clear skies in Edmonton. I'm sure the polar icecaps have finished melting by now. Makes you want to hit the slopes, you know, the ones with the signs saying, "no skiing, avalanche warnings". That must be the single most perfect way of thinning the herd in Alberta/BC. Kind of like snowmobiling in northern Ontario. There's always some numbnut that thinks the lake ice will hold.
Not much else to say, except that I thought the only thing east of Edmonton was Saskatchewan, never mind an island with elk on it. I'm going to go pack the martini thermoses for Elk Island now. Let you know how it goes tomorrow. Or Monday. Might take Sunday off, too.
Ah, Friday night turned into Saturday morning. Those are the best nights. So today, Saturday, I am taking the day off. No jobhunting. No bottle collecting. Just looking at the stars. Star Party tonight on Elk Island. I'll be home by sundown making martinis. I want to see bison! But apparently your not supposed to provoke them. The fact that they have to warn people means someone, at sometime, somewhere, provoked the bison and it wasn't a good scene. I would have loved to have been there, "You idiot, do it again".
+10C and clear skies in Edmonton. I'm sure the polar icecaps have finished melting by now. Makes you want to hit the slopes, you know, the ones with the signs saying, "no skiing, avalanche warnings". That must be the single most perfect way of thinning the herd in Alberta/BC. Kind of like snowmobiling in northern Ontario. There's always some numbnut that thinks the lake ice will hold.
Not much else to say, except that I thought the only thing east of Edmonton was Saskatchewan, never mind an island with elk on it. I'm going to go pack the martini thermoses for Elk Island now. Let you know how it goes tomorrow. Or Monday. Might take Sunday off, too.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Day 37: I See The Light
First of all, I'd like to point out that my blog yesterday bored the crap out of me. Somedays I really have nothing so I'm going to apologize in advance now. Today, however, is a fantastic day. The perfect day. The sun is shining, the ice is melting. I'm just so happy that the earth moved a couple of inches this year. Edmonton was seemingly close to another ice age. I mean, -56C? Nunavut and NWT had better weather in December. So according to the news, the Chilean earthquake knocked the earth a couple of inches. I guess they are still using the Imperial measurement system. Strange, nobody uses Imperial anymore unless they're measuring out shots of vodka. So do you know what this could mean? I'm so excited - beach resorts in Tuktoyaktuk. After the floods, of course. The massively destructive floods. A tad worrisome that part but on the bright side, Australia is cheap right now...
Job-wise, the light is even brighter, "Your application has been referred to the hiring organization for a more in-depth review". Record time. I should write a book, "How to Take Over the World in 60 Days". Very suiting, I think. I can do it. Taking over the world would be much more fun holding a bottle of tequila, though. And yodeling. I've always wanted to learn how to yodel. AND MORE! I've got the UI office tentatively covering some writing courses at U of A for me which will ultimately make my writing better or worse. Hit or miss, really. Can't wait! The only downside of all this, this potential getting a federal job and going to school for something that won't make watching mould grow on bacon the most exciting part of my day, is I'm stuck in Edmonton for about another year. No Vancouver. No Toronto. No Calgary. No Mongolia. Just Edmonton. A year. A whole year or more. Bleh. HOWEVER, the sky is the limit after that, and I think I'm going to make the sky Amsterdam.
Long live unemployment insurance!
Job-wise, the light is even brighter, "Your application has been referred to the hiring organization for a more in-depth review". Record time. I should write a book, "How to Take Over the World in 60 Days". Very suiting, I think. I can do it. Taking over the world would be much more fun holding a bottle of tequila, though. And yodeling. I've always wanted to learn how to yodel. AND MORE! I've got the UI office tentatively covering some writing courses at U of A for me which will ultimately make my writing better or worse. Hit or miss, really. Can't wait! The only downside of all this, this potential getting a federal job and going to school for something that won't make watching mould grow on bacon the most exciting part of my day, is I'm stuck in Edmonton for about another year. No Vancouver. No Toronto. No Calgary. No Mongolia. Just Edmonton. A year. A whole year or more. Bleh. HOWEVER, the sky is the limit after that, and I think I'm going to make the sky Amsterdam.
Long live unemployment insurance!
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Day 36: The Flat Tire & Happy Birthday Jenn
Yes. I was gifted with a flat tire today. A nice big juicy nail smack in the middle of my tire. Since I do alot of construction work myself (couldn't hit a nail with a hammer to save my life), it was just a matter of time one of these nails should fall off my Ford Focus's tailgate and jam itself into my tire. Just a quick "cheers" to all you construction dudes with big trucks out there and miscellaneous hardware bouncing around in the back that you were either too lazy or too stoned to put back in your tool kit. And no, that prostitute you just picked up in the bar does not have STDs and you won't slowly rot from it. Go buy another truck and $500,000 home and have a few more babies with your third wife. She won't leave you. Honest.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Felt so good. I'm done now.
The day started off well. I had no plans of putting my pants on and that was working well for me until about 11am. Then I get the "we're going to Costco" call. I lost the will to live around 3pm today, about the time I realized 35 bottles of water is rediculously FREAKING HEAVY and were not going to all make it to my apartment. Add 20 lemons, 2 vats of guacamole (there really is no method to my shopping, please don't try to make sense of it. I just like guacamole. And lemons. And mushrooms), a pound of mushrooms (I like all mushrooms equally but today was portobello. I don't know what to do with them, and I'm sure they will go well with the eggplant in my fridge that will remain in the fridge for the rest of its natural life), and 6 liters of Soy Milk. It would have been easier giving piggy-back rides to rabid, hungry bears. This all happened after I discovered a flat tire. No doubt the ride was a bumpy one. Made things a little exciting, living on the edge, waiting for the blow-out. Never happened.
Nothing much to tell you. I'm going to go watch dvds and eat guacomole. I'd just like to give a "hey" to Jenn. Jenn, go get 'em girl. Get fired. Come to the dark side. You will make an excellent EMT and I'll call 911 every weekend so you can come over to my place and drink martinis when your working! Happy birthday, this is a gift, I hope you will begin to realize that soon. You've got so much potential and you don't even realize it. I've only met you once, but I've got all the faith in the world in you. I know it hurts, it's like being dumped by a really ugly guy. But do you really want to sleep with the really ugly guy? I don't think you can close your eyes tight enough. I really don't.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Felt so good. I'm done now.
The day started off well. I had no plans of putting my pants on and that was working well for me until about 11am. Then I get the "we're going to Costco" call. I lost the will to live around 3pm today, about the time I realized 35 bottles of water is rediculously FREAKING HEAVY and were not going to all make it to my apartment. Add 20 lemons, 2 vats of guacamole (there really is no method to my shopping, please don't try to make sense of it. I just like guacamole. And lemons. And mushrooms), a pound of mushrooms (I like all mushrooms equally but today was portobello. I don't know what to do with them, and I'm sure they will go well with the eggplant in my fridge that will remain in the fridge for the rest of its natural life), and 6 liters of Soy Milk. It would have been easier giving piggy-back rides to rabid, hungry bears. This all happened after I discovered a flat tire. No doubt the ride was a bumpy one. Made things a little exciting, living on the edge, waiting for the blow-out. Never happened.
Nothing much to tell you. I'm going to go watch dvds and eat guacomole. I'd just like to give a "hey" to Jenn. Jenn, go get 'em girl. Get fired. Come to the dark side. You will make an excellent EMT and I'll call 911 every weekend so you can come over to my place and drink martinis when your working! Happy birthday, this is a gift, I hope you will begin to realize that soon. You've got so much potential and you don't even realize it. I've only met you once, but I've got all the faith in the world in you. I know it hurts, it's like being dumped by a really ugly guy. But do you really want to sleep with the really ugly guy? I don't think you can close your eyes tight enough. I really don't.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Day 35: The Day of Darkness
Q: "Why do you want to come and work for our company?"
A: "two plus two equals four"
No, I don't want to work for your company but society dictates what I do so therefore I'm applying for this job that is way underpaid and that I'm overqualified for. Sounds a little uppity, doesn't it? That is, however, the reality of my situation and countless others. I've suffered enough acetylene hair disasters, propane explosions, freon "accidents", and "lets warm up by the diesel exhaust" situations for this lifetime. Combine that with 5 years of office work, you either lose the will, or you lose the ability to live. If the environment doesn't kill you, the companies are so badly managed they're either going to fire you for exposing their small brains and penises or lay you off once all ability to make a profit has been lost.
So Monday was definitely my day of darkness. It is Tuesday, right? Ah, I don't really know anymore. Burned out. Hard. And then I drank tea. Talked to people who could form sentences without barking for punctuation, who knew me better than I knew me. Then somehow the missing piece of the puzzle appeared. Thus the missing day of my blog. But I'm unemployed, days can be 48 hours. It's all part of the downward spiral. But yes, another epiphany. This one is going to stick, though. Hell, I have time to tell you about it, so here goes...
7:00am: Woke up and thought, "what the hell am I doing?". Went back to sleep.
8:00am: Ditto
9:00am: Woke up and poured myself some Rice Krispies, turned on the computer, and cried. 3 job more job rejections. On top of it, I'd prefer eating out of dumpsters in India than working for those companies. I'm hitting rock bottom. Scraping the bottom of the barrel. Selling my soul to the goat god. Checking out. You get the picture.
9:30am: Showered, basked in the glory of my last piece of Lush soap (nah, just kidding you. Got s**tloads of that stuff. I'd starve before I'd go without Lush)
10:30am: Got an oil change and a haircut. All at the same place. And attention oil changing boy, I asked for an oil change, not a detailed description of everything that's falling off my car. I know my oil is the least of my problems - I AM UNEMPLOYED. Which means I have NO JOB. I have problems that far extend the STD you gave your girlfriend this weekend)
12:30pm: EPIPHANY. Of course, it usually happens around lunchtime after the 7th coffee of the day.
12:45pm: Ignored epiphany and went to the gym. I can't handle epiphanies with an expanding butt.
3:30pm: Revisited epiphany. I can't keep applying for jobs that are short-term and that will eventually force me to shoot everyone that pisses me off, has an over-sized head, or enormous feet that resemble sleeping dogs. I am going back to school. Uh huh. Yet again. This time, this time it's for something I think I can handle. Writinnnngggggggg. Your like, "oh F***. She's never going to get it, is she?" True. I'm never going to get it. But I'm going to do this because even if I'm writing technical manuals for the rest of my life, there's a good chance I A. will enjoy every sentence of "how to turn on your fax machine" and B. Can do it occasionally from a beach in Thailand. See where I'm going with this? It's all about the beaches and cheap beer...always thinking...
A friend did point out yesterday that I should find something that I like to do everyday and run with it. Therefore he's 100% responsible for anything I do from this day forward. I was originally thinking, I like eating pie. Can I eat pie everyday? I like running around without any pants on. Can I just do that? I suppose the answer is yes to all of the above because I'm collecting unemployment and who the hell cares. But the scary thing is, what happens when the unemployment runs out? I'm feeling the hobo look coming on now, what am I going to look like in a year when I'm still sitting in my living room thinking about how many M&Ms can fit into my mouth at once and I'm left with one pair of pants and a hole in the ass? Did you know an "executive assistant" is a secretary? I didn't. But that could be my future if I don't do something completely stupid now. There is never a better time to be completely stupid than right now. My day of darkness is over. I'm going to celebrate.
A: "two plus two equals four"
No, I don't want to work for your company but society dictates what I do so therefore I'm applying for this job that is way underpaid and that I'm overqualified for. Sounds a little uppity, doesn't it? That is, however, the reality of my situation and countless others. I've suffered enough acetylene hair disasters, propane explosions, freon "accidents", and "lets warm up by the diesel exhaust" situations for this lifetime. Combine that with 5 years of office work, you either lose the will, or you lose the ability to live. If the environment doesn't kill you, the companies are so badly managed they're either going to fire you for exposing their small brains and penises or lay you off once all ability to make a profit has been lost.
So Monday was definitely my day of darkness. It is Tuesday, right? Ah, I don't really know anymore. Burned out. Hard. And then I drank tea. Talked to people who could form sentences without barking for punctuation, who knew me better than I knew me. Then somehow the missing piece of the puzzle appeared. Thus the missing day of my blog. But I'm unemployed, days can be 48 hours. It's all part of the downward spiral. But yes, another epiphany. This one is going to stick, though. Hell, I have time to tell you about it, so here goes...
7:00am: Woke up and thought, "what the hell am I doing?". Went back to sleep.
8:00am: Ditto
9:00am: Woke up and poured myself some Rice Krispies, turned on the computer, and cried. 3 job more job rejections. On top of it, I'd prefer eating out of dumpsters in India than working for those companies. I'm hitting rock bottom. Scraping the bottom of the barrel. Selling my soul to the goat god. Checking out. You get the picture.
9:30am: Showered, basked in the glory of my last piece of Lush soap (nah, just kidding you. Got s**tloads of that stuff. I'd starve before I'd go without Lush)
10:30am: Got an oil change and a haircut. All at the same place. And attention oil changing boy, I asked for an oil change, not a detailed description of everything that's falling off my car. I know my oil is the least of my problems - I AM UNEMPLOYED. Which means I have NO JOB. I have problems that far extend the STD you gave your girlfriend this weekend)
12:30pm: EPIPHANY. Of course, it usually happens around lunchtime after the 7th coffee of the day.
12:45pm: Ignored epiphany and went to the gym. I can't handle epiphanies with an expanding butt.
3:30pm: Revisited epiphany. I can't keep applying for jobs that are short-term and that will eventually force me to shoot everyone that pisses me off, has an over-sized head, or enormous feet that resemble sleeping dogs. I am going back to school. Uh huh. Yet again. This time, this time it's for something I think I can handle. Writinnnngggggggg. Your like, "oh F***. She's never going to get it, is she?" True. I'm never going to get it. But I'm going to do this because even if I'm writing technical manuals for the rest of my life, there's a good chance I A. will enjoy every sentence of "how to turn on your fax machine" and B. Can do it occasionally from a beach in Thailand. See where I'm going with this? It's all about the beaches and cheap beer...always thinking...
A friend did point out yesterday that I should find something that I like to do everyday and run with it. Therefore he's 100% responsible for anything I do from this day forward. I was originally thinking, I like eating pie. Can I eat pie everyday? I like running around without any pants on. Can I just do that? I suppose the answer is yes to all of the above because I'm collecting unemployment and who the hell cares. But the scary thing is, what happens when the unemployment runs out? I'm feeling the hobo look coming on now, what am I going to look like in a year when I'm still sitting in my living room thinking about how many M&Ms can fit into my mouth at once and I'm left with one pair of pants and a hole in the ass? Did you know an "executive assistant" is a secretary? I didn't. But that could be my future if I don't do something completely stupid now. There is never a better time to be completely stupid than right now. My day of darkness is over. I'm going to celebrate.
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